Hello, party people. Dr. Pavletic’s GVHD clinical trial definitely lived up to its billing. It was intense. On Day 1 (Tuesday), they drew an hilarious amount of blood. The phlebotomy tech actually looked at the size of my order, and said, “Oh no. Hey, Farhad! Will you do this draw? I’m trying to get out of here by 4.” It was like 3:15. It was something like twenty-four vials. He had to use an 18 gauge (fat) needle and keep switching out the vials quick or it would clot up. I met with my research nurse, my social worker, my nutritionist, and Dr. Pavletic. I had a bone density scan, an echocardiogram, and a venous consult at the apheresis clinic. Here’s a shocker; after twenty-three years of cancer treatments, my veins are shot. I’ve already informed the media.
Day 2 (Wednesday) began at 8AM with a CT scan. Fortunately they didn’t use contrast, because I’m allergic to it. I get a low-grade fever, aches, and chills. That only started after like my hundredth CT scan, so that’s weird. Then I went to dermatology. They took a pound of flesh out of my ass… literally. I’d post a picture, but I’m trying to keep this blog as PG-13 as I motherfucking can. That’s okay. The skin issue is THE issue. But damn. It sucks to sit on a big old biopsy wound. They took a chunk out of my stomach too… fuckers. Sorry. Shit hurts. Then I went to the liver/hepatology clinic, where they had a very large vulture… kidding. They just sort of consulted with me about my liver and my drinking. I’m kidding again. I never touch the stuff, MOTHER!!! Then I went to the Occupational Therapy Clinic, where they had me demonstrate my range of motion and do like a mall-walk sprint for six minutes. Then I went to the Cardio-Pulmonary Clinic, where they did a Pulmonary Function Test, which consists of me blowing into a tube in various different patterns of intense puffs and long slow breaths and stuff like that.
Day 3 (Thursday) began at 8AM with a consult with the Pain and Palliative Care Clinic. I asked them for the good shit. I’m kidding. They asked what illegal drugs I did, and I said, “Nice try, narc. Why? Is there some sort of sweet-assed Ecstasy clinical trial, or something?” They said, “Mr. Ryan, we’re not giving you Ecstasy.” So then I said, “Fine. I’ll just crawl over here into the corner and die… just as sober as hell. Will that make you happy? You guys are sitting on a mountain of pharmaceutical grade dope and you’re just stingy. That’s it. Y’all some stingy mutha-fuckas.” I’m not kidding. That entire conversation happened. I swear. I’m kidding. Christ. You guys are so gullible. I’m not asking my doctors for illegal narcotics in a federal institution. Geez. Anyways, I went from there to go have another hilarious amount of blood drawn… sober as fuck. Then I went to the Dental Clinic where the Marquis de Sade’s great-great-great-great- granddaughter took two oral biopsies; one from inside my right cheek and one from just in front of my lower gums. Just as sober as fuck. Then I went for an abdominal ultrasound. Apparently the law requires that I have to look at it now. Then I went to the Eye Clinic where I swear to God, they stuck these sharp cardboard sticks under my eyelids to see whether I could produce tears… which I could. See? I can cry. What? Get off my nuts and get some insurance.
Day 4 (Friday) started at 9AM in the photography studio. Yes, NIH has a photography studio. I was surprised too. It had a bunch of lights on booms and a big, white paper backdrop. This place is not fucking around. I had to strip to my skivvies. It was tasteful though. I cried, but he was gentle, so it was okay. OK. Then came the MRI. This was the worst part of the whole week… I think. They were focusing on my right arm, which is experiencing the most acute GVHD symptoms, so I had to get on the gurney and lie on my right side, but not entirely on my right side; kind of at a forty-five degree angle. And I had to have my left arm over my head. So I’m balanced precariously on my iliac and my left arm is asleep for like 45 minutes. Shit fucking SUCKED!!! So then I go and wrap up with the research nurse and get on the same page. Then I go for leukapheresis. It’s like donating plasma, except the centrifuge is made to harvest only leukocytes. The problem is that when the machine pumps your blood back into you, it is mixed with an anti-coagulant, so I sat there and bled out of my arm wound forever. Remember in The Crow when he squeezes the morphine out of her arm? It’s like that, except blood. And it isn’t all cool and stylized. It’s just sucky and embarrassing and I look like I’m a heroin addict in DC and shit. Anyways this is my cross to bear and at least I’m upright.
Alright, so getting on the same page involved a face-to-face that was to explain that they are going to take all of this data and get it all compiled and these motherfuckers are going to get into a room and POW-motherfuckin’-WOW over Yours Truly. I’m not saying that they are going to be able to defy the laws of physics, but I’d rather have that than Benny Hinn bitch-slapping me. So that’s the abridged version of what happened last week. Trust me, that’s as G-rated as it’s gonna get. My DC peeps can attest to that. Holler!